I have done something wrong again. Something that, if given a chance, I would take back. I wish I thought it through before I did it. I wish I thought of all the consequences my actions would bring, but I didn’t. Instead I acted selfishly. I injured myself. I ended up hurting not only me, but others too. This is far from what I wanted. All I wanted to do was feel better before we meet so that I wouldn’t affect him and make him feel what I was feeling, which was horrible by the way. I hate myself for not having the courage not to do it. For not having the self-control to stop myself from doing things I would later regret. I make up excuses, in my mind, tons of them. Some worthless, others.. Well they might work if I had the courage to say them. But unfortunately I don’t.
So to better explain myself I guess I better start from the start. I don’t remember exactly when I first started cutting. I was never really into this kind of thing. I always thought that people who cut lacked attention or were just doing it because it seemed cool. I guess I kind of got engrossed by the true reasons why they cut. Why would someone hurt him/herself intentionally? Maybe I leaned to far while looking down the rabbit hole and fell, or maybe its just mere curiosity. Whatever reason it was, I wouldn’t know. All I know is that I hate what I had become. I had become one of them. One of those people stereotyped as “emo”. What I have may be a cry for attention, a mental disorder, or just plain boredom. I hate it.
You when dams are about to get full, they release water so that it won’t explode, if that’s the right term. Well that’s how I feel before cutting. I feel like I’m about to explode. That I have all these emotions in me jumping around, bumping each other, and itching to go out. And the only way I know to release them is by cutting. To be honest, I feel better after I cut. Like a dam that just released a lot of water. Uhm Maybe I used the wrong simile because dams can’t really feel anything. But if they do, I’m sure that’s how they would feel.
It’s getting worse. I don’t want to reach the point when I don’t cut across the street but down the road. When I started, I only do one or two lines, not even cuts, just scratches. But the lines grew in number. 7? 9? 13? Who knows, I might even reach a hundred if I don’t stop now. Stop. Stop. I wish I knew how. Well I thought I knew, I thought it was easy. But it’s like smoking. I’m just guessing though because I’ve never actually tried smoking. And I never will. So back to cutting.. I find it odd that I actually like the feeling of the touching the lines after I cut. They’re red. They turn into these smooth bumps.
I’m scared, scared that I might not stop. That I might lose control one day and kill myself. Right now I’m sure I won’t because I still have a bit of sanity left in me. And besides, I’m too much of a coward to actually cut down the road.
I promised. I know. But I’m not confident with myself. I know I’m going to fail. It’s not that you’re not enough. I’M not enough. But I’m going to change that. That’s why I promised myself that the next time I’ll cut; it’ll be down the road and not across the street. You said I’ll regret it forever. But what’s the use of forever if it ends tomorrow?
- matagal na to..nakita ko lang habang naglilinis ng external ko…grabe ang emo ko pala dati haha
back from outer space…
matagal tagal din akong nawala. hindi nakapagpost dahil naging busy sa majors at pag rresearch. ngayon medyo maluwag ang schedule dahil exams na bukas. dapat nagaaral ako ngayon pero di ako makaconcentrate. masyadong magulo yung utak ko. nararamdaman ko nanaman ung need na i-explain ang sarili ko. nakakaasaar yung ganung pakiramdam. pero di ko pa rin siya maalis. madami na akong ginawa ngayong araw para iwasan yung mga gumugulo sa isipan ko pero parang hindi naman gumagana. panandalian lang tapos wala babalik lang din ulit. kailan kaya mawawala yun?
sa ngayon makakapagblog ako ulit pero panandalian lang. bukas busy na ulit.
Walang fairy godmother. ‘Yan ang tandaan mo. Tao kang nagmamahal. At ‘yang boyfriend mo, tao din.
I want us to last,
I don’t wanna have a great, amazing couple of months and then all of a sudden its over. I don’t want to experience the feeling of being lost, confused, and hurt all over again. I wanna be with you. And I want us to last, no matter how hard any situation is, no matter what/who comes between us.